Waise toh hum Allahbad ke hain!

Kya baat hai! Hum bi!

Waah!

See, *that’s* why the movie is an epic!

For someone who grew up in a staunchly non-AB house, this proverbial coming-out is B.I.G.

I fancy very few of his songs and virtually none of his movies except Saudaagar – the one with Nutan. Crap story-line but absolutely sterling performances.

So when B & B was released, I was definitely not on the edge of my seat!

Now wait – back the truck up here for a bit!

I must say this – when Abhishek did Refugee, I watched – not because of some freaky AB-ish mania but just because I was trapped on an overnight bus to Nagpur and that was what was shown. And I was … pleasantly impressed, shall we say?!

Then followed Nautch. Breathtaking.

I cannot find an AB Sr. movie in comparison to that one.

AB is a brand – don’t get me wrong, have nothing against the man personally. But he is AB in every movie he’s ever done. Which is yes – the USP of a Star, but erm… that little thing called acting? Yes, well, *that* is nowhere in the picture when he is.

Have a look at Abhimaan or even Mili. Try any of the usual suspects – Sholay, Namak Haram, Coolie, Khuddar, Khuda Gawah, Hum. He’s Trademark AB, isn’t it?

Now go get some sleep. Next day – watch AB Jr.

Start with Refugee. Move to Yuva. Then do Nautch. If you want the diploma, squeeze in KANK. Painful on the whole – except the acting bits of the non-stars. Tell you what – some parts of Bluffmaster were worth their weight in gold.

The very epitome of savoir faire, the piece de resistance, however, has got to be Dostana. Kirron Kher with her “phalo… phulo… kher! Jaane do!” did to AB Jr. (and to a lesser extent, to JA) what Chico and Harpo did to Groucho.

And finish with B&B. That movie – that is the real coming-of-age of Indian mainstream cinema. It made everyone laugh without a single reference to scatological humor. If you are Indian and have watched even one of the classic Indian “funny” movies (read: anything early Shammi Kapoor or with Rajendra “underpants” Kumar in it or even a Hyderabadi Mahmood!) you’ll be at-home with anything remotely related to the emission of wind or bowel movements.

Watch B & B. Point out one scene which has even a passing reference to this and I’ll eat my hat.

I am not a movie buff and I have no idea if the producers intended the movie to be so.. intellectually alluring. The fact is, it is the 21st century cinema equivalent to the 1980s DD tele-serial Flop Show. Remember Jaspal Bhatti and his unbelievable tongue-in-cheek take on Chandigarh and Delhi life back then?

Tell me honestly that the movie doesn’t remind you of a similar mentality and I’ll tell you to sober up. Honestly, I – who’s as tight-fisted as a Scotsman when it comes to movies (no offence to kilt-wearers!) – watched B & B twice – TWICE – in the theatre. With popcorn. Right till the last of the credits. And loved every single precious minute.

Aisa koi saga nahi.. jisko thaga nahi…

It doesn’t get more Indian than that. That is the personification of baap bada na bhaiyya.. sabse bada rupaiyya. Not  Mother India. Not Mera Naam Joker. This. This very UP- bhaiyya, “camptishan main hissa lene aaye hain!” mentality. The same one that’ll sell the Taj. The same one where the investigating officer turns up to interrogate and asks the “firang” to “tell joke – non-veg”.

Where else would you have graphic descriptions of shalgam-gobi ke achaar wala perfume or slick, oily, bush-shirt wearing Babus without the extra “focus” of Art Cinema accompanied with dark footage?!

Where else would you have the heroine respond to a potentially sentimental concept of missing her parents in the wonderful eloquence of “kar rahi hoon! Yaad aa rahi hai, bathroom nahi aa raha!”

That’s the sheer genius of the movie.

Thing is, he was born his father’s son.

AB Jr. is an actor while his dad is just a Star.